My Name is...and I Am a Perfectionholic...

Friday, October 9, 2009

I have a disease to which I feel there is no cure...well, obviously I do not feel that perfectionism literally has no cure or that it literally is a disease, but it might as well be. Actually, I guess if you break down the word "dis-ease" perfectionism is exactly that. Why is it that if I get a 96% on something I think I completely failed or if I get a 98% I hate myself for not getting 100? I can't even imagine getting a "B" in a class or I think I might just have to kill myself. And to think, these are just stupid doesn't even touch the surface of how I beat myself up in other areas of my life.

The worst part of it all...I'm 35 years old.

You would think I would be over this by now. I'm trying. I promise you I am. I'm trying with everything I have inside of me to be ok with achieving less than 100 percent(and I'm not just talking about grades). What's really funny about the whole thing is I know that I am FAR from perfect, yet I'm on an endless journey trying to be...and who the hell am I trying to prove it to? Actually, it's not even that I really want to be perfect, I just feel so terrible, worthless and empty if I fail or achieve less. What is "less" anyway? Every piece of reason and logic inside of me knows it's wrong and completely based out of fear and insecurity, but sometimes I just can't escape it.

Sadly, I know I'm not alone. Even though it makes you feel very alone at times. I know some of you can relate and being a perfectionist is so.....very.....tiring. So, to all you fellow perfectionists out there...please try and love yourself for who you truly are, know that you are wonderful, beautiful and "perfect" in every possible way. Know that getting a perfect score, looking perfect, being the perfect spouse, parent, child, etc. and simply just trying "to be" perfect in any way, shape, or form = feeling far from perfect. Here are some quotes to inspire...

"Once you accept the fact that you're not perfect, then you develop some confidence."
~Rosalynn Carter

"There are no perfect men/women in this world, only perfect intentions."
~Pen Densham

"When you aim for perfection, you discover it's a moving target."
~George Fisher

"Unless I accept my faults I will most certainly doubt my virtues."
~Hugh Prather

"Nothing that is complete breathes."
~Antonio Porchia,Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

"You see, when weaving a blanket, an Indian woman leaves a flaw in the weaving of that blanket to let the soul out."
~Martha Graham

I couldn't have said it better's time to let the soul out and breathe.



Seth said...

I totally understand. A thought I have that you might relate too...
Usually if you went ahead and got such a high grade, then the one that you missed was probably a silly mistake. So...that would be annoying and make you want a 100%!

try a blog on OCD, then I will have more to chat about! lol

Seth said...

oops I guess I was signed in under Seth's name....its me trina!

Anonymous said...

Your torment, frustration, and fear is heartwrenching. This is not OCD. This is much more than grades. You must begin to accept and love yourself and others as less than perfect. Otherwise, your situation will never change. No human is perfect! What is perfect? Only YOU expect perfection from you. You will probably be shocked to know that no one else expects perfection from you.

Striving for EXCELLENCE motivates,striving for PERFECTION is demoralizing.

This could be a lifelong battle. Ask yourself what it is you need to overcome these fears, then ask the people in your life to help you. Tell them what you need .

Of course, professional counseling goes without saying. Find someone you really connect with, and trust.

Sometimes, when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing.

I wish you all the best.

RACHEL...aka NOLIA said...

Seth...aka Trina (lol, by the way) I was wondering when Seth got so sentimental. It's true about getting that close and making a silly mistake being a huge part of the frustration.

Anonymous...Thank you for your kind words. I was having an exceptionally bad moment when I wrote that post and thankfully those feelings are not something I live in the majority of the time. Perfectionism is obviously an internal flaw I struggle with though. I work on those internal struggles quite often and getting better step by step. You're right, I should reach out to more people for support. It's something I've never really done, which is why this blog actually helps me to vent. Thanks again for taking the time to "listen" and read my posts.